tonight around 5:30 melina invited me to a bible study at her friend ted's parent's place at 7:30. (i wondered if this was the same ted from lane i remembered this girl carmen talk about sometimes, and it totally was, but i had not remembered anything bad or good about him, and the first thing i hear about him is he is christian so hooray, no biases or ways for the devil to distort my view of someone i don't even know!)
she's invited me about 3 times before to a bible study at a different place, and i never went because i was either scared to travel to a new neighborhood or i was busy. this time i decided to go, because her boyfriend victor, who i've never met, was willing to meet up with me and lead me there via bike since he lives in logan square, close to where vanessa and i live.
we met at the walgreens on belmont and milwaukee, where it appears my bike tire is deflated. re-inflate at a gas station. bike to kimball and irving. and then victor gets a flat. he has no pump for his unique tube lmao or patch kit, so we walk to montrose and wherever and wait 80 billion years for the montrose bus to get to a red line station.
as we wait for the bus, i learn he attends melina's church sort of regularly. he has been very kind to me thus far, even offering to buy me food at walgreens and pay for my bus fare. so i assume he is christian, because no offense but, people of this world really suck my left one sometimes. and i have rarely known people that were so kind to me upon meeting me unless they were living for Jesus.
so i ask something along the lines of his faith, and he says, "i'm actually not a believer."
i am truly shocked. melina dating an unbeliever? this really nice, awesome guy willing to listen to me blab on and on about God not a believer? this did not cross my mind even once.
on the bus i learn that he is not so quite an unbeliever but somewhat doubtful and unwilling to come to God for whatever reason. i shared with him my testimony, of how i was doubtful, suicidal, dealing with panic disorder, and living with my abusive family and then how God saved me out of my wreckage of a home with my grandma and now i'm a tongue talking, on fire for Jesus christian finally able to attend a church. i give him a metro praise card and encourage him to come this weekend..
we eventually make it to the red line, and we make it past ONE or TWO stops. and the trains are backed up all the way to our stop at granville. so we end up having to get off at argyle and take the bus. to make matters crappier, there is already a bike on the bike rack. it is already 9pm. bible study was supposed to start an hour and a half ago. so victor locks his bike up to a tree and we put mine on the bus. this alone was another kind gesture, trusting his bike locked to a tree not to be stolen in a random neighborhood for hours, and letting me take mine with on the bus. again, bizarre. non believers just don't do things like that.
we get to ted's house, and it was indeed the one from lane. he was so incredibly nice and his parents and him were very welcoming to me in their home.
now, this is sort of dumb, but i have been wanting cupcakes from jewel SO BAD for about 2 weeks. after i had a cupcake at the bread basket with griselda last friday, i wanted them even more. well, guess what melina has two boxes of at the bible study. jewel cupcakes. (nearly a whole box of them is right next to me at this moment. thank you God and thank you melina.)
so we have this little discussion from this book melina has, and i found it to be in this grey area of like.. not quite having the purpose of leading people to Christ, but to just get people to THINK about him. though she cleared it up and said that it was a seed planting tool, which is always a good thing. so we end up on the topic of homosexuality. always a fun time. and i could see how much God wanted to use melina on this discussion.... and i found that he wanted to use me too. i was blown away at how melina did not compromise her beliefs even as the two guys had arguments defending homosexuality. but God's word held true and it was just so amazing to have a discussion on this topic and actually feel like MAYBE, just maybe, we brought some clarity to it. i could testify because at one point in my life i had homosexual desires towards someone. i was so amazed at how God used us tonight and how everything in my life truly did serve a higher purpose. it was then that i saw why the devil tried EVERYTHING to get me and victor to give up and quit trying to make it to ted's house. victor was persistent but i honestly wanted to give up and go home before it would be too late for me to find my way back from an unfamiliar neighborhood. if he would have been like "yeah lets not go," i would have given up too, but i see now that God used him to encourage me to fight for it and make it. otherwise, that discussion would have never taken place, and other things to follow.
i am happy to see how melina seeks God. but i also noticed the passive attitude in this study towards curse words which i know is also sinful,and it made me realize my own struggle with it and how i am becoming more like Jesus every day because i am coming more and more to hate the things he hates and love the things he loves.
it was already midnight when we all decided to leave, and ted was kind enough to drive me and victor to the argyle stop for him to get his bike, and then drive us all the way back to victor's apartment so victor could fix his flat tire.
in the car, ted said, "do you ever feel like everything you're following is just a fake idea?"
rewind to just this past sunday when dr. miller of the school of urban missions was a guest speaker at my church. dr. miller said something along the lines of how when he was very young, a lady friend of his said to him, "do you ever feel like backsliding?" and dr. miller thought nothing of it and said, "not really, it doesn't usually come to mind." he missed the whole point that this was his friend reaching out for help. less than a year later, this lady friend ended up with a baby out of wedlock. and he said to this day he regrets being too naive to read between the lines and realize when someone is about to backslide and is calling out for help.
i decided to not do what dr. miller did. and i asked ted if he is dealing with that now. and i found that this is how he feels most of the time.... and this is not the way that a christian should be walking with the lord. that is how i was feeling for THREE YEARS when i was being abused and suffocated by my grandma, not being allowed out or allowed to attend church. and now that i have replenished my dry, dead soul, having not been allowed to for three years after i was saved, i know that this is not an okay way to be..
although this group that i met with today seems like they could be on the verge of letting go or eventually not seeking God at all, i know that they want God. i know it because they all treated me with genuine love and kindness. melina always has, but i JUST met ted and victor and they treated me like a real friend. and i can see that this is because their hearts truly do want to know God. and that is so important.
i saw both the devil and God work tonight. i saw them duke it out, and i was fighting on God's side. and i see how good God is and how he works.. and i saw a true spiritual battle tonight. and how the devil will do anything to keep God's children away from him.
i really hope that victor comes to metro praise this weekend and gives his life to Jesus. i can see that he is willing and it makes my heart so happy when i see someone that is at least open to the idea that God loves them so much and wants them so bad.
if only it was this easy with someone else i know, who i want so badly to get saved. it kind of made me hurt inside all the more for this person. and how i want so badly to reach out to them and for them to open up to me, and become friendly enough with me so that i could at least invite them to church. but they seem to be rejecting me since a few weeks ago and honestly, it sucks balls. because i know they are hurting even though they say they're fine. i know that God is trying to touch their heart every day, and i have tried more than once to let God use me to get them to consider Him. but they keep rejecting my friendship as of late and i have NO IDEA why.. and man... ouch. and all of tonight all i could think was, why is it so easy for some people? why is this man victor so open to someday knowing God and my friend isn't? why can't my biker friend from logan square think about how much God loves them? how did melina get unevenly yolked, but with someone who WILL be saved soon in Jesus' name... i suppose i was jealous because i dont feel like any of my friends will EVER accept Jesus as their savior. ever. especially this person i'm talking about. it pains me so much. i know it's stupid to feel like this though.
ah well, i'll be so glad when i see somebody i know come to God, anybody. even if i've only just met them today.
this feels like such a losing battle because i know that not every person on this earth will be saved. but its times like tonight that give me hope, to know that there are people left out there who think they want God.
i can't wait to see how God will use me again and again... use me more, God. tonight was not good enough, i am not satisfied with one mere conversation about homosexuality. show me what it truly is that i am living for.
Friday, July 3, 2009
Friday, June 19, 2009
you got me all twisted and confused.
i think vanessa's family literally eats one meal a day.
i don't really care since i get food for little money or none one way or another.. i just find it, uhmm, yeah. anyways.
i am having a really hard time with things. i keep applying for jobs that i think i have a chance at and it just slides through my hands.
so that means i hardly have any bus money, so i do my best to walk everywhere. but its getting hotter and my endurance is actually not becoming stronger.
i didnt realize that having a nice bike was a trendy thing to do now, but i guess since i want one that means it is? not really...
but seriously, its to the point where i really can only walk so far and i really really need a way to get around that is more efficient than me lugging my fat rear around everywhere via foot.
the bike i have now is a man's bike, it's a cruiser with mountain bike tires, and its so huge its like mounting a horse. its very heavy, and doesnt turn so well. i almost get killed every time i try to ride it. and using pedals as brakes? ummm how about not. and it makes funny squeaky noises. me no likey. but why does nowhere sell exactly what i am looking for?
sigh.
i was supposed to be at the puerto rican festival with my church at humboldt park all weekend but naturally, it is the law that i have to get my period the first day of it. excruciating pain, nausea, just.. no. when i got to the church some of the ladies prayed for me. i appreciate the um, whats the word, notion, but this isnt a disease.. its called a period. women get it. once a month. its not going to go away. but it certainly FEELS like a fatal disease when i have it.. alas.
i have been fed up with not being able to get a job and not having transportation and not having friends to go anywhere with me when i have to go places.. if i wanted to be alone all the time i wouldnt have moved out. so i have slowly started to become sadder and sadder again, and i stopped cursing for a while, but i am suddenly becoming angry more often and i end up saying things i dont mean. but i think maybe its just this week. maybe its because my time of the month was impending. i dont know. but i feel bad. i know God has given me a lot just by allowing me to escape my house but there are things that have stuck with me and still upset me. as i just mentioned.
and other things.
there was this boy, and i had this brilliant idea to try and become closer to him upon moving out. and that totally epic failed. for about a week i was confused beyond belief. the idea i had of how he felt about me (which wasnt anything at all) was almost turned upside down, and then it just went back to the thing about him not actually giving a flying shet about me at all. hahahaha. i like how things get worked out so quickly like that sometimes. but i knew from the beginning that it would be dumb to like him. alas... i shall just continue to pray for him to get saved cause honey, you cant treat people this way.
though i cant help but become sad at the thought that he wont bother to remember i exist all summer. he was a cool dude.
i think the only male friend i'll ever have is clinton, and even then its ridiculous trying to even see him. oh well. i guess i'm not meant to have guy friends or guy interactions, period. and i also suppose that my fear of boys all my life has been totally valid.
apparently i lost some weight since i moved out, but my excitement for that was very short lived. i am still too fat and gross. i was looking at this lady on the bus today wearing this sort of short jean shirt, and she was so thin that there was truly no fat anywhere on her body. and i realized that i will only be attractive if i look like that. but i don't think i could ever possibly become that thin. i also noticed that basically no one in my generation has hips either. there is no way to get rid of those since they are actually my bones. so to make up for it i have to basically lose 50 more pounds to look okay even with hips. there really is no point in even trying because my body will never ever be attractive by society's standards. it just will never happen. and even if i became emaciated and sickly thin, i still have stretch marks. so. oh well. too bad for me. its useless. ha.
i should go pray before i make myself even more sad.
i don't really care since i get food for little money or none one way or another.. i just find it, uhmm, yeah. anyways.
i am having a really hard time with things. i keep applying for jobs that i think i have a chance at and it just slides through my hands.
so that means i hardly have any bus money, so i do my best to walk everywhere. but its getting hotter and my endurance is actually not becoming stronger.
i didnt realize that having a nice bike was a trendy thing to do now, but i guess since i want one that means it is? not really...
but seriously, its to the point where i really can only walk so far and i really really need a way to get around that is more efficient than me lugging my fat rear around everywhere via foot.
the bike i have now is a man's bike, it's a cruiser with mountain bike tires, and its so huge its like mounting a horse. its very heavy, and doesnt turn so well. i almost get killed every time i try to ride it. and using pedals as brakes? ummm how about not. and it makes funny squeaky noises. me no likey. but why does nowhere sell exactly what i am looking for?
sigh.
i was supposed to be at the puerto rican festival with my church at humboldt park all weekend but naturally, it is the law that i have to get my period the first day of it. excruciating pain, nausea, just.. no. when i got to the church some of the ladies prayed for me. i appreciate the um, whats the word, notion, but this isnt a disease.. its called a period. women get it. once a month. its not going to go away. but it certainly FEELS like a fatal disease when i have it.. alas.
i have been fed up with not being able to get a job and not having transportation and not having friends to go anywhere with me when i have to go places.. if i wanted to be alone all the time i wouldnt have moved out. so i have slowly started to become sadder and sadder again, and i stopped cursing for a while, but i am suddenly becoming angry more often and i end up saying things i dont mean. but i think maybe its just this week. maybe its because my time of the month was impending. i dont know. but i feel bad. i know God has given me a lot just by allowing me to escape my house but there are things that have stuck with me and still upset me. as i just mentioned.
and other things.
there was this boy, and i had this brilliant idea to try and become closer to him upon moving out. and that totally epic failed. for about a week i was confused beyond belief. the idea i had of how he felt about me (which wasnt anything at all) was almost turned upside down, and then it just went back to the thing about him not actually giving a flying shet about me at all. hahahaha. i like how things get worked out so quickly like that sometimes. but i knew from the beginning that it would be dumb to like him. alas... i shall just continue to pray for him to get saved cause honey, you cant treat people this way.
though i cant help but become sad at the thought that he wont bother to remember i exist all summer. he was a cool dude.
i think the only male friend i'll ever have is clinton, and even then its ridiculous trying to even see him. oh well. i guess i'm not meant to have guy friends or guy interactions, period. and i also suppose that my fear of boys all my life has been totally valid.
apparently i lost some weight since i moved out, but my excitement for that was very short lived. i am still too fat and gross. i was looking at this lady on the bus today wearing this sort of short jean shirt, and she was so thin that there was truly no fat anywhere on her body. and i realized that i will only be attractive if i look like that. but i don't think i could ever possibly become that thin. i also noticed that basically no one in my generation has hips either. there is no way to get rid of those since they are actually my bones. so to make up for it i have to basically lose 50 more pounds to look okay even with hips. there really is no point in even trying because my body will never ever be attractive by society's standards. it just will never happen. and even if i became emaciated and sickly thin, i still have stretch marks. so. oh well. too bad for me. its useless. ha.
i should go pray before i make myself even more sad.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
is this the whole picture
or is it just the start?
is this the way You love me?
You're capturing my heart.
I used to try and walk alone
but I've begun to grow.
and when You tell me just to rest,
I'm finally letting go.
I let go.
and I'm here to stay.
nothing can separate us.
and I know I'm okay.
You cradle me gently
wrapped in your arms....
...I'm home.
I'm seeing so much clearer
looking through Your eyes.
I could never find a safer place
even if I tried.
all the times I've needed You,
You've never left my side.
I'm clinging to Your every word.
don't ever let me go...
don't let go.
and I'm here to stay.
nothing can separate us.
and I know I'm okay.
You cradle me gently
wrapped in your arms....
...I'm home.
I'm home.
I'm wrapped in Your arms.
and I'm here to stay.
nothing can separate us.
and I know I'm okay.
You cradle me gently
wrapped in Your arms ....
...I'm home.
every day i realize more and more than only God can offer me rest and peace. only he will never disappoint me.
im stupid for always hoping that man can fix my loneliness.
i always end up feeling empty after i see my friends or after i try to contact them.
i have never been able to shake the feeling that no one on this earth actually cares about me, as many times as people have told me they do.
some people do love me, i know.
but i am still unsatisfied.
i keep waiting for people to care who seem incapable of doing so. its stupid. i am stupid.
i dont know why i never ever learn.
or is it just the start?
is this the way You love me?
You're capturing my heart.
I used to try and walk alone
but I've begun to grow.
and when You tell me just to rest,
I'm finally letting go.
I let go.
and I'm here to stay.
nothing can separate us.
and I know I'm okay.
You cradle me gently
wrapped in your arms....
...I'm home.
I'm seeing so much clearer
looking through Your eyes.
I could never find a safer place
even if I tried.
all the times I've needed You,
You've never left my side.
I'm clinging to Your every word.
don't ever let me go...
don't let go.
and I'm here to stay.
nothing can separate us.
and I know I'm okay.
You cradle me gently
wrapped in your arms....
...I'm home.
I'm home.
I'm wrapped in Your arms.
and I'm here to stay.
nothing can separate us.
and I know I'm okay.
You cradle me gently
wrapped in Your arms ....
...I'm home.
every day i realize more and more than only God can offer me rest and peace. only he will never disappoint me.
im stupid for always hoping that man can fix my loneliness.
i always end up feeling empty after i see my friends or after i try to contact them.
i have never been able to shake the feeling that no one on this earth actually cares about me, as many times as people have told me they do.
some people do love me, i know.
but i am still unsatisfied.
i keep waiting for people to care who seem incapable of doing so. its stupid. i am stupid.
i dont know why i never ever learn.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
God, i need you right next to me
for my heart to be satisfied.
i decide how i live my life.
i made up my mind:
i'm living for You, yeah.
cause You are good beyond measure.
and my heart longs to give You pleasure.
and You fulfill all my longing.
and all my life i will sing...
God, i love You and all You do.
Your joy lives inside and does me good.
can i have more of You?
amazing grace, how sweet the sound.
and oh my God, You never let me down.
can i have more of You?
can i have more?
can i have more of You? is the cry in my heart.
can i have more of You, Jesus?
can i have more of You?
for my heart to be satisfied.
i decide how i live my life.
i made up my mind:
i'm living for You, yeah.
cause You are good beyond measure.
and my heart longs to give You pleasure.
and You fulfill all my longing.
and all my life i will sing...
God, i love You and all You do.
Your joy lives inside and does me good.
can i have more of You?
amazing grace, how sweet the sound.
and oh my God, You never let me down.
can i have more of You?
can i have more?
can i have more of You? is the cry in my heart.
can i have more of You, Jesus?
can i have more of You?
Friday, May 29, 2009
"I'll be by your side wherever you fall, in the dead of night, whenever you call."
at vanessa's 3rd party tonight (yeah, i know) i realized i am absolutely, freakishly terrified of men of all ages.
actually, i didnt just realize.. its more like it was reinforced. i didnt think i would be terrified of christian men, but apparently i am.
i am scared of them all. all sizes, races, ages.
and for me to put any kind of effort into a male friendship is utterly painful and is as scary as a beehive for me.
and totally blowing me off does not do anything but facilitate my fear. jussssst so you know.
why am i afraid?
hmm, let me count the reasons.
based on my assumptions,
men have no feelings, or at least they cant feel the way women do. they cant express sympathy and they only want to talk about themselves and get bored if a woman talks about herself. male friendship with women is fake because he either wants to get in a woman's pants or he thinks she is repulsive and DOESNT want to get in her pants, therefore he cannot benefit anything from her. men will only want to be friends with an attractive lady for the aforementioned reasons. men are more judgmental. they judge every part of a woman's body and personality. and again, they will only speak to women if they can benefit in any way. if he know she likes him, he'll use her for all she has, but will never even consider her if she isn't perfect. a man's time is also more important than a woman's, and will leave her hanging for every reason whether she wants him in a romantic way or not.
i am afraid of men for all these reasons, and i'm always afraid that if i talk to one and make friends with him, i might end up liking him. which obviously, is bad news bears because i am not attractive or interesting, but i am very nice and easy to use.
so for crying out loud, i wish that the men i know would not give me reasons to be afraid of them.
its unfortunate when one has to blow their chances of me sticking by them as a friend, because i would really love to be a totally awesome friend.. it just so happens that no one really wants my friendship that bad.
ah well. alas, such is life.
i guess it's the same with other girls too. i'd love to be close friends with a girl, but i end up being jealous of them and competitive in all sorts of areas. i just dont fit in with either gender. i hate this. i guess Jesus is the only person that won't make me feel like anything i just wrote in this blog. it just sucks that Jesus is no longer in the flesh, in the world, and that i cant go shopping with him or have coffee with him or hug him.
having tangible, reliable friends would be really awesome.
but even though i'm free, i still cant have that. and for once, its not my fault.
i also still have no job. i am still bitter. and i have to struggle to not think about it, because every time i think about the darkroom or digital lab or whole foods job that COULD have been, it hurts. a lot. i need something to occupy my time since vanessa will be gone all summer. but... no job so far, and i'm finding that my "friends" mostly kind of suck.
i dont know if i want to have a birthday party anymore because i dont feel like more than 3 people there would care about me.
ugh, i honestly am not in the mood to see anyone tomorrow. i am really upset but i have no choice. griselda at noon, then brianna, then i have to take my grandma to the doctor. pls let me die. i wish my hair would dry so i could go to sleep. i need sleep. bad.
i want to be an antisocial hermit right now and not talk to anyone... serious.
actually, i didnt just realize.. its more like it was reinforced. i didnt think i would be terrified of christian men, but apparently i am.
i am scared of them all. all sizes, races, ages.
and for me to put any kind of effort into a male friendship is utterly painful and is as scary as a beehive for me.
and totally blowing me off does not do anything but facilitate my fear. jussssst so you know.
why am i afraid?
hmm, let me count the reasons.
based on my assumptions,
men have no feelings, or at least they cant feel the way women do. they cant express sympathy and they only want to talk about themselves and get bored if a woman talks about herself. male friendship with women is fake because he either wants to get in a woman's pants or he thinks she is repulsive and DOESNT want to get in her pants, therefore he cannot benefit anything from her. men will only want to be friends with an attractive lady for the aforementioned reasons. men are more judgmental. they judge every part of a woman's body and personality. and again, they will only speak to women if they can benefit in any way. if he know she likes him, he'll use her for all she has, but will never even consider her if she isn't perfect. a man's time is also more important than a woman's, and will leave her hanging for every reason whether she wants him in a romantic way or not.
i am afraid of men for all these reasons, and i'm always afraid that if i talk to one and make friends with him, i might end up liking him. which obviously, is bad news bears because i am not attractive or interesting, but i am very nice and easy to use.
so for crying out loud, i wish that the men i know would not give me reasons to be afraid of them.
its unfortunate when one has to blow their chances of me sticking by them as a friend, because i would really love to be a totally awesome friend.. it just so happens that no one really wants my friendship that bad.
ah well. alas, such is life.
i guess it's the same with other girls too. i'd love to be close friends with a girl, but i end up being jealous of them and competitive in all sorts of areas. i just dont fit in with either gender. i hate this. i guess Jesus is the only person that won't make me feel like anything i just wrote in this blog. it just sucks that Jesus is no longer in the flesh, in the world, and that i cant go shopping with him or have coffee with him or hug him.
having tangible, reliable friends would be really awesome.
but even though i'm free, i still cant have that. and for once, its not my fault.
i also still have no job. i am still bitter. and i have to struggle to not think about it, because every time i think about the darkroom or digital lab or whole foods job that COULD have been, it hurts. a lot. i need something to occupy my time since vanessa will be gone all summer. but... no job so far, and i'm finding that my "friends" mostly kind of suck.
i dont know if i want to have a birthday party anymore because i dont feel like more than 3 people there would care about me.
ugh, i honestly am not in the mood to see anyone tomorrow. i am really upset but i have no choice. griselda at noon, then brianna, then i have to take my grandma to the doctor. pls let me die. i wish my hair would dry so i could go to sleep. i need sleep. bad.
i want to be an antisocial hermit right now and not talk to anyone... serious.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Sunday, May 24, 2009
"yogurt has a LOT of sugar in it."
"so it's bad if you eat a lot of it? i thought it was good for you...
"well i've never heard of anyone having a yogurt problem..." - my nutrition teacher this semester, right as i opened a container of yogurt.
i, monique kaput, have a yogurt problem.
even after eating it so much this semester, at least 3x a week, and finding it disgusting, i still eat it, perhaps because i dont think it will hurt my stomach. because i'm always nervous. and here i was today, eating another yogurt on the train, even though i am so sick of it and have officially hated it for a while.
i have not cried as much as i have today in probably a bajillion years.
i have probably not been this butthurt since like.. EVER.
i didnt even cry this much when my mom died, and that totally sucks.
i told myself, if i don't get rehired for the darkroom this summer, even though i put my availability down for every shift of every day, then i know they dont like me.
and i didnt get picked. again. so i give up. they can keep their stanky chemicals and dirty disgusting mops.
and i love how the digital lab lied to me and told me they werent hiring for the summer.
it was more like translation: we're hiring, but we aint hiring YOU. you lame ass full of fail. because you're fat and weird and unfashionable and unhip, unlike the rest of us who work or will work here in the future.
then i get a B- as my digital II final grade, which is so unbelievably EPIC FAIL that it's sick. SICK. i gave mr. peter thompson a piece of my mind via email about that insulting, shameful grade. i have friends who got a B- because they did their final the week it was due. i started mine at the beginning of march. i took vulnerable, shameful, impacting photos of myself with the hopes of getting an A. and i failed. again.
soooo i decide to call up whole foods today to ask about my app. WELL. no one told me that they freakin hired everyone in the week that i waited to call. everyone but me. i busted my derriere today to get to target and buy a nice shirt in like the 10 minutes i had (since i have NO nice shirts) just to GO THERE to ask what was up because i had no way of reaching anyone important via phone. i trekked all the way from the roosevelt red line in my only pair of painful, dressy shoes.
aaaaand fail.
i had to try very very hard to not cry in public today. and then i dribbled a few tears on the train because i fail. while i ate my overpriced whole foods yogurt even though i hate yogurt now. im glad no one sat next to me.
oh and, im annoyed at the fact that i texted sean like 3 days ago telling him to call me and i told him today in person and he still hasnt done it. you know, this aint for me, its for you.
i wasnt trying or anything, but last sunday God was like HAY MONIQUE, there is something you should know about your friend sean, and i think you should tell him that you know. because i want him back. and i was like uuuuh God you crazy, i aint no prophet yet. then like tuesday night God was like here, dont believe me? have a dream about it. now text him about it, you meathead.
i really hate bothering him, or anyone, especially when i sound like a total loony, but i did it even though i was scared of sounding like a crazy sh*&stain.
i probably did sound like a crazy sh*&stain, but psychology says all christians are schizophrenic so what are ya gonna do about it.
anyways, its been bothering me all week because i dont feel like i should have to beat someone over the head to get them to listen to me. and it aint from me, its from God. what if God starts telling me crap about everybody i know? what the hell am i supposed to do then if i cant even get one person to listen to me? FAILED PROPHET. lmaooo.
and now vanessa has been downstairs with her friend chris for 80 years probably unaware that ive been crying for hours and hours over the fact that my life sucks and i cant do anything EVER. i dont even want her to know, i just want everyone to leave me alone in a dark corner so i can cry. i want to get inside a hole in the ground and not come out until good things decide to happen to me. which will probably be never.
all i ate today was a small banana, a yogurt, a chocolate bar and a bowl of cereal. truth be told i am having my painful period yet again (for some reason it has been liking to come twice a month for the last 3 months) and it always makes me not wanna eat. but i am actually so hungry that i feel like my stomach is feeding off of its own lining to survive. and at the same time i feel like im about to crap out my intestines because my cramps hurt so bad.
oh what a night~! *busts out in song jersey boys style*
yeah really.
i really am dreading church tomorrow because i am gonna feel so crappy physically and emotionally. i dont know how i am going to find it in me to worship God and not fake it with how awful i felt today and still feel. i should probably go to bed. im exhausted from crying.
and ive already been a hermit since like 10:30 pm so what the heck, not like anyone cares if i come out or not.
i finally managed to stop bawling like a baby. maybe its my cue to get under the covers.
i wish sunshine would sleep by me instead of on vanessas side. since i realized my cat suzie with my grandma doesnt even miss me or care that i moved i just want a nice warm animal to love me and cuddle with me. animals dont make me feel like crap the way people do.
and maybe if i fall asleep i wont think about how hungry i am. the fat girl doesnt need food anyways. i could probably live off my own fat for like weeks.
ok the end. bed time. goodnight ~blawg~. i hope no one reads this because i sound totally nuts and really pathetic. lmfao.
"so it's bad if you eat a lot of it? i thought it was good for you...
"well i've never heard of anyone having a yogurt problem..." - my nutrition teacher this semester, right as i opened a container of yogurt.
i, monique kaput, have a yogurt problem.
even after eating it so much this semester, at least 3x a week, and finding it disgusting, i still eat it, perhaps because i dont think it will hurt my stomach. because i'm always nervous. and here i was today, eating another yogurt on the train, even though i am so sick of it and have officially hated it for a while.
i have not cried as much as i have today in probably a bajillion years.
i have probably not been this butthurt since like.. EVER.
i didnt even cry this much when my mom died, and that totally sucks.
i told myself, if i don't get rehired for the darkroom this summer, even though i put my availability down for every shift of every day, then i know they dont like me.
and i didnt get picked. again. so i give up. they can keep their stanky chemicals and dirty disgusting mops.
and i love how the digital lab lied to me and told me they werent hiring for the summer.
it was more like translation: we're hiring, but we aint hiring YOU. you lame ass full of fail. because you're fat and weird and unfashionable and unhip, unlike the rest of us who work or will work here in the future.
then i get a B- as my digital II final grade, which is so unbelievably EPIC FAIL that it's sick. SICK. i gave mr. peter thompson a piece of my mind via email about that insulting, shameful grade. i have friends who got a B- because they did their final the week it was due. i started mine at the beginning of march. i took vulnerable, shameful, impacting photos of myself with the hopes of getting an A. and i failed. again.
soooo i decide to call up whole foods today to ask about my app. WELL. no one told me that they freakin hired everyone in the week that i waited to call. everyone but me. i busted my derriere today to get to target and buy a nice shirt in like the 10 minutes i had (since i have NO nice shirts) just to GO THERE to ask what was up because i had no way of reaching anyone important via phone. i trekked all the way from the roosevelt red line in my only pair of painful, dressy shoes.
aaaaand fail.
i had to try very very hard to not cry in public today. and then i dribbled a few tears on the train because i fail. while i ate my overpriced whole foods yogurt even though i hate yogurt now. im glad no one sat next to me.
oh and, im annoyed at the fact that i texted sean like 3 days ago telling him to call me and i told him today in person and he still hasnt done it. you know, this aint for me, its for you.
i wasnt trying or anything, but last sunday God was like HAY MONIQUE, there is something you should know about your friend sean, and i think you should tell him that you know. because i want him back. and i was like uuuuh God you crazy, i aint no prophet yet. then like tuesday night God was like here, dont believe me? have a dream about it. now text him about it, you meathead.
i really hate bothering him, or anyone, especially when i sound like a total loony, but i did it even though i was scared of sounding like a crazy sh*&stain.
i probably did sound like a crazy sh*&stain, but psychology says all christians are schizophrenic so what are ya gonna do about it.
anyways, its been bothering me all week because i dont feel like i should have to beat someone over the head to get them to listen to me. and it aint from me, its from God. what if God starts telling me crap about everybody i know? what the hell am i supposed to do then if i cant even get one person to listen to me? FAILED PROPHET. lmaooo.
and now vanessa has been downstairs with her friend chris for 80 years probably unaware that ive been crying for hours and hours over the fact that my life sucks and i cant do anything EVER. i dont even want her to know, i just want everyone to leave me alone in a dark corner so i can cry. i want to get inside a hole in the ground and not come out until good things decide to happen to me. which will probably be never.
all i ate today was a small banana, a yogurt, a chocolate bar and a bowl of cereal. truth be told i am having my painful period yet again (for some reason it has been liking to come twice a month for the last 3 months) and it always makes me not wanna eat. but i am actually so hungry that i feel like my stomach is feeding off of its own lining to survive. and at the same time i feel like im about to crap out my intestines because my cramps hurt so bad.
oh what a night~! *busts out in song jersey boys style*
yeah really.
i really am dreading church tomorrow because i am gonna feel so crappy physically and emotionally. i dont know how i am going to find it in me to worship God and not fake it with how awful i felt today and still feel. i should probably go to bed. im exhausted from crying.
and ive already been a hermit since like 10:30 pm so what the heck, not like anyone cares if i come out or not.
i finally managed to stop bawling like a baby. maybe its my cue to get under the covers.
i wish sunshine would sleep by me instead of on vanessas side. since i realized my cat suzie with my grandma doesnt even miss me or care that i moved i just want a nice warm animal to love me and cuddle with me. animals dont make me feel like crap the way people do.
and maybe if i fall asleep i wont think about how hungry i am. the fat girl doesnt need food anyways. i could probably live off my own fat for like weeks.
ok the end. bed time. goodnight ~blawg~. i hope no one reads this because i sound totally nuts and really pathetic. lmfao.
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