so, i was thinking.

about things that are too far off.

if i had a snowball's chance in hell of getting married, there is no way my husband could be a photographer. so many things could go bad.
i could absolutely hate his work. he could do meaningless abstract garbage or some crap that has no meaning at all to me even though he says there is. which is even worse than commercial photography that only serves the purpose of advertising a product or service. besides that, we'd be competing for better gear all the time. or scratch that, i'd be competing for better gear all the time.
and i'd always be competing in general because what if the other thing happens - where he does work i love, but he is WAY better than me and gets more recognition for his work and gets more of it sold than i do? that would totally suck. but at the same time, i wouldn't want a husband who does work at my level with the same level of gear as me because that would be boring. so there is no winning at all. therefore, i just want my husband to make enough money to help support us.

but there is something more important than this.
there is way too much unnecessary drama and issues surrounding my final studio II project of environmental portraits right now. everyone is having a baby about me photographing the boys alone. and not just alone - if i don't have another girl with me it is definitely the end of the world. i understand there are rules. i understand there are SUM rules. i understand there are metro praise rules. i understand there are christian living rules. and i understand the principals behind them. but logically, it makes no sense if everyone understands that i am a photographer taking pictures for school and for my portfolio. logically, it makes no sense why i can't go over to the boys dorm with more than one guy there if i'm not even going in anyone's room. logically, it makes no sense that there would automatically be temptation between a boy and a girl if there is not another girl there, if this boy and this girl do not even like each other. and logically, it makes no sense why just any girl from the church can't come with me, that it has to be someone within a certain group. i don't think i'm above the rules or better than them. but this is getting to be redundant and ridiculous, which is why i didn't tell anyone i was going to photograph auggie or andrew. i didn't need this extra drama and extra EXTRAness to deal with. i am not always going to have an assistant nor do i want to drag an extra body around with me every time i have to photograph a man by himself. if i wanted to go through this every time i wanted to take a picture, i wouldn't have moved away from my grandma. auggie and andrew trusted me enough to not make a big deal out of this and didn't want to halt my project or hinder what i had to do. they understood that it's just a picture. i have never struggled with sexual sin in my entire life, so i don't believe that there is temptation right around the corner every time a girl and a boy are alone together. especially if they don't like each other. how many times do i have to repeat that part? why in the world would you want to jump in the sack with someone you arent even attracted to? heck, if anything, church rules say that i should have been the one wary when i was with auggie cause of how he has struggled in the past, but i trusted that he is my friend and would never do anything to me. and if being alone with a guy automatically leads to sin, i should have sinned with andrew like five times already. but again, if someone doesnt like me or vice versa, who in the world with a sound mind would help a sinful situation happen? i mean, uhm, duh. to be blunt. someone who wants an irish missionary wife would not hurt me. someone who is mean to me all the time and ignores me at church (lol) would not hurt me.

therefore, a husband that will help me instead of harm me, a husband willing to bend redundant unnecessary rules for the sake of helping me when i am not even sinning, and a husband that will protect me in that kind of situation is kind of on my wish list right now. i don't want a rebel. but somebody that would stand with me when i say get over it if i have to get into a situation that might look weird from the outside, if i have to make a picture. because that's all it is. a picture. i don't care what it looks like from the outside sometimes because i know that God knows and if someone from the world gets the wrong idea, i will explain myself. and if they don't believe me, is that really my problem anymore? do i just have a pride problem? is the spirit of rebellion oppressing me? ugh, i'm so confused and under serious anxiety about this whole thing right now.
i've done shadier things than photograph a christian in their house while i was saved, and nothing bad ever happened. or rather, i did ONE shadier thing, and nothing happened and it totally could have. i hateee this, i just want this project to be over already. i am never going to go through this again.

lol, i think this was more a vent about issues i'm having than about the kind of husband i want. whatever.

thanks for the hints.

something with a patrick stump sounding vocalist seems appropriate now, if i listened to that sort of thing. but i don't.
i keep telling myself i will exercise self control when it comes to these things, but it just never works out. something always comes up that forces me to humble? myself. humble? if that's even what is happening. or if it's really the devil. they say if you have to question it, it's from the devil. but maybe it's my pride that is not of God and not the situation at hand.
i guess i have had an issue where my "pride" is telling me to stop making myself so available, to stop making it so easy. and i've been meaning to, for about a month. but logically, it just makes so much sense for me to stop doing what i am doing. even biblically it makes sense. i should never make it this easy for anyone because then it backfires. maybe i'm relying on my own strength for this and that's why it isn't working. but i pray for self control all the time.
tomorrow will be different. sunday will be different. next week. will be different.

lollerskates.

my stomach hurts.
this week sucks so far.

sunday night everyone and they momma came over after crossover so they were worshiping for ever in the attic and the walls are paper thin so naturally i couldn't sleep. monday was grueling and full of agony, i was so exhausted and i had to go to calumet to get my paper, and clean the house. so i did. and i tried to take a nap, but it pretty much failed. no sleep came. so monday night comes, and again, everyone and they momma came over. its 11pm. ive given up on studying for my photo history test because i cant even see anymore. i tell everyone to please be quiet. they say ok. i get in the bed. and not even a minute later there is obnoxiously loud laughing. and piano playing. i had to get up two more times and beg them to be quiet because i am having serious insomnia and i am in DESPERATE need of sleep. they quiet down for the next hour, but sleep still never comes. then even MORE people come, and it's like last saturday all over again with more people than is safe trying to cram in this house. noise. for many more hours. i dont think i fell asleep until everyone else left and just the girls finally went to sleep. probably sometime much after 2am. i truly did not believe i would make it through today. right now i have the shakes and that overheating feeling i get when i have no sleep. and i have to go take pictures of andrew for my final. all i really want to do is go to bed and not get up for like 5 days.
studio class epic failed. i got a B+ on my midterm jumping pictures. bill said it looked like i did them all at once. it took me three weeks to do that project. FAIL. then i showed my advertisement recreation and that also epic failed. i saw kelly in the lab earlier and she was like nooo, its really good, you will be blown away by how many people do really bad and you're like :O HAHAHA. but i def. felt like mine was almost the crappiest one. well what can you expect, i was on the wood floor shooting a bottle and glass of aldi soda pretending to be coke and i was getting soda all over the floor, of course i gave up early. i figured there was no point since it was such a crunch for time. i also wasted 2 sheets of paper printing it unnecessarily. yuck. school is becoming such a burden lately.
:(

well maybe time gonna wear you out or maybe you gonna come around

an empty street, a quiet smile
Without steady feet
You know the reckless kind
Keep coming, coming back
To the same old place
With that wild eyed stare
Up in your face

lay me down, let me down
in a big old town.
lay me down, let me down
in a big old town.

i'm not excited.
i honestly hate everything right now.
i am only holding on because God gives me hope, but honestly, things feel kind of crappy. emotionally i am not the most stable. i am trying to just submerge myself into my schoolwork 100% so i dont have to think about anything.
i was happier in september. it went downhill from there. good thing this life is not about me, or i would be in deep trouble.
i just dont like the feeling, thats all.
i hate the feeling of only dread and having nothing to look forward to.
part of it is school, part is everything else. i feel like i'm in a rat race. some kind of hamster wheel. where no matter how fast i go, no matter how much i try, i am in the same spot as before. even though i am living somewhere else under different circumstances, sometimes i still feel like the exact same person as 6 months ago. i feel like i have to put up this facade that i am feeling totally awesome all the time. but honestly, i'm not. i still have wants and needs of this physical world and all i want is for them to go away. i want to throw up thinking about how i wish it was easier for me to get to places and not need the bus or my bike, or how i wish i could do laundry without struggling or paying an arm and a leg, and how i wish i could eat food that doesnt make me sick and fat, and sometimes how i wish i could eat food at all, and worst of all, how much i wish my husband would find me. but i have to wait another 800 years for that one at least, its so far away i just wish i could forget it altogether. i hate feeling like im at the mercy of everyone who lives in this house, having to submit to rules i think are ridiculous sometimes without saying a single word, all because i have nowhere else to go but the street.

sorry, i'm not into internet relationships.

people are really queer. why in the world would you remember i exist on my facebook account but in person you are a total dillweedy jerk and ignore me and all that unacceptable jazz?

.....somebody had loose lips, that's why. ugh. completely unavoidable, but i am too tired, stressed and busy to care, for the first time in my life. there is nothing i can do anymore.
my life makes me want to 1. open window. 2. jump out face first.
not really, but you know. i'm going crazy.
i'm missing school tomorrow because i have 800 things to do. FOR school, what the heck?
this house is driving me crazy... new husband requirement, he absolutely cannot be long winded. people who talk a lot make me want to shoot myself in the foot. i seriously cannot stand longwinded prayers anymore right now. when you say something you dont need to repeat it 8 different ways.
and another thing, if i ever have someone, i'm not going to make everyone around me yak by talking to them 24/7 every waking moment online and on the phone until the sun comes up.
i love leilani and eli, but seeing relationships make me throw up a little. when theyre like that. someone should punch me if i ever become like that.
yuk.

sometimes i have to double think if i'm not entirely over the stupid 12 year old schoolgirl feelings i had for you for so many months that were completely not legitimate or worthwhile. i'm over the fact that you hardly ever pay attention to me even though we still see each other all the time, but at first, it still hurt even though there was someone new i liked that did actually acknowledge my existence at the time.
but despite all of that... there are no more feelings like that. but there are other feelings. feelings of compassion for you because you let go of God so long ago. the desire to see you saved and on your knees crying out to God and serving him. but most of all, i have a love and concern for you that could have only ever come into my heart from the Holy Spirit. a different kind of love than what i'm used to and what i know. i show it as best as i can because you hardly ever care about talking to me, and when you do, your conversation is vapid and empty, no trace of emotion except the occasional bitterness towards material things of this world that you cannot ever change. sometimes i look into your ocean colored eyes and i just want to give you the biggest hug of your life and pray for you. because all i see inside, truly, is disappointment, hurt, anger, and a sea of doubt. i don't want you to hurt, i want you to know God has such great love for you that you have rejected. i have told you more than once, i know. it is hard for me to get past the physical and the logic..in the natural, it really looks like you don't care about God at all, you hate him, or you just don't care where your soul is going when you die... but i have learned that as a human being, we all have that empty hole and longing that only the Lord God almighty can fill.
please share with me something of substance, please reveal to me with words that you are not okay, so that you can let me in and i can pray for you. all you need is God's touch for real just once.

ew.

today was not my day...
but then again, what HAS been my day for the last 3 months?

the dangers of riding bikes on the sidewalk became a reality for me today, as i almost DIED. some moron was combing his dog (what the?) in the middle of the sidewalk. he sees me coming and sees i have no room to get through. if that was me, i would find it stupid to make the cyclist get off their bike JUST to get around me and my stupid dog. but alas, this wasn't me, this was someone that just stared at me as i made an attempt to ride into the grassy area around them, and totally fell on my face, thisclose to busting open my head. second time i have brushed with head injury in the last few weeks. glasses fly, my hands are basically ripped open lol and i'm bleeding, and a chunk of skin is taken out of my knee. to be blunt, IT HURT LIKE ~#!$@$%*^. i can't get on that knee anymore, and you never realize how much you use your knees till you have to bend down and plug something in a wall. gah.
and all the guy can say is "sorry" all dumb like. yeah son, you'd really be sorry if my brains were bleeding all over the sidewalk.
and no, i was not wearing a helmet, but for crying out loud, my bike ride from the house to the blue line is like two minutes. i'm not dragging a helmet around with me the rest of the day for just that.

conviction felt, remainder of post deleted. bwowwww.